Monday, January 6, 2014

this little piggy ate roast beef

I've hit the skids. It all started when my friend Hollander showed up last week and fried some of her Vietnamese spring rolls made with ground chicken. No wait. It all started Christmas Eve when Groom and I went to Camp and ate cheeseburgers, french fries, sweet potato tater tots, and if I recall correctly some kind of yummy chicken.

What I'm trying to say is there has been nothing vegan-ish about me for about two weeks. I mean, sure, I roasted some brussels sprouts for a snack instead of reaching for Doritos (which I ended up eating later in the week anyway so I don't know who I was trying to fool), and okay I cooked up a soba noodle soup with vegetable broth and broiled tofu triangles. Of course, I made some quinoa with brussels sprouts and cranberries and it was good. And, yeah, I even made a polenta something with tomatoes and a slightly sour tomato sauce that I thought was disgusting but Groom ate with gusto.

But those moments were fewer and farther between as I snacked on whatever I wanted. I did avoid Christmas cookies (I'm cookies) of all types but I fell prey to dessert at Camp (more than once) and lobster rolls from the Bite into Maine food truck, located at the top of North Peak at Sunday River where you can also purchase tall boys of Bud Heavy, which I did more than once, and finally on New Year's Eve, I stopped pretending altogether and ate roast beef and cheesecake. That's an understatement. I devoured roast beef and cheesecake and then practically smeared that sweet sweet deliciousness all over my body in some sort of carnal ritual of joy. In return, in some sort of cholesterol ritual of revenge, that roast beef and cheesecake smeared itself all over my innards.

NYE: my mouth is full of meat
aw. bite me.
Like Attack of the Blob, I continued to eat my way through through town. Pub cheese and crackers, pieces of cheese by themselves, half a bag of Doritos, and a plate of french fries with a terribly necessary bloody mary on New Year's Day. The day when most people decide they will start eating right.

Every morning, I would wake up and say to myself, "Today is day one. You're starting over. You can do this."

At the end of the night, I would say, "Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is day one. You're starting over. You can do this."

On January 2, I woke up with something in my eye. Just...something...right at the inside corner of my left eye. I did all the tricks you do when you have something in your eye. I held my eye under the shower. I tried to make myself cry (not a difficult feat since I was suffering from post-alcohol depression, monthly lady time, and the after-effects of too much processed foods). I pulled my upper eyelid down over my lower eyelid. I held my forefinger and middle finger over the corners of my eye and blew out my nose. I squirted Visine.

Nothing worked. I looked at my eye in the mirror only to discover that the thing that was in my eye? It was the skin from around my eye. My eyes were so puffy, the skin around my eye was pressing into my eye socket.

I checked my face. I had acne on my chin--something I hadn't seen since I removed all animal and animal-related products from my diet. 

I looked down at my belly. It protruded above my belt like I was entering my second trimester.

I had puffed to a new size. I was a mess. Having one entirely vegan day was proving impossible. And, to make matters worse, I was convincing myself that since french fries are technically vegan, I could eat them.

All the people, including Dr. Nice, who made comments about how I wasn't really a vegetarian because I had only started this past August...all those people I sneered at and got defensive toward...they were all in the right.

So, I started again. Some oatmeal with ground flaxseed for breakfast. A fruit smoothie for lunch. Vegan enchiladas with black beans and acorn squash for supper. A few almonds for a snack.
And then I would have cheesecake. I don't even like cheesecake.

delicious piggy
My most recent Kryptonite [sorry, that's a weirdly creepy clip]? A visit with Groom's parents. A pork crown roasted with vegetables that stewed in all the yummy meatiness served with a side of sausage stuffing and an almond pound cake for dessert. With creamy cream cream for good measure. I am still drunk from those fatty, delicious foods.

I once lived with a woman who was so addicted to drugs, she would grind any and everything up, just to shoot it up her nose. I recall seeing aspirin go up her nose and I thought, I'll never be that person.

But you know what? I am that person. If there were a plate with leftover buttery bread crumbs near me, I would lick it.

Today is day one. I had oatmeal for breakfast while the family ate scrambled eggs, leftover stuffing, and brioche with butter. For lunch, I quietly skipped the shrimp broiled with panko and oil. I pushed past the baguette that had been broiled with butter and gorgonzola. I was satisfied with a simple salad with pears and avocado.

Now, I have discovered we have reservations for dinner at Deuxave. Here. This is where we're having dinner. All the meat and truffles (which aren't vegan because of the pigs or something) and butter. And, oh yes my friends. This little piggy will definitely eat the beef and go weee weee weeeeeee all the way home.

Tomorrow is day one.

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