Next

I need to start thinking about my next step. In many ways, I'm pretty happy about thinking about my next step. I'm also worried about it. I'm not very good at sticking with a plan unless I introduce that plan to my life very slowly. As I've mentioned before, Groom and I were married for about a year before I gave up my apartment in Portland, and I still claim to live on the coast when I spend over six months a year in western Maine. So, I need to trick my brain into thinking this is how my life has always been so my inner governor doesn't reject it entirely.

I am definitely stronger than I was six weeks ago, so I do focus on that. The other day, a friend who is completely unaware of this silly narcissistic blog asked me whether I've lost weight--the answer to that, of course, is no, but I appreciate someone noticing a difference regardless.

The truth is, I am holding myself differently and things have changed. Some people might notice, most won't. That's fine. As the youngest of a large family, I'm okay if nobody notices I recently had my haircut or I bought a new sweater or whatever it is I've done to make myself feel better. I've always felt like one instrument in a large orchestra. If a tuba player changes her instrument, the audience member in the balcony isn't going to notice, but overall things sound a little better and the guy playing the piano is noticing. (I'm sorry. For my money, the tuba is the funniest instrument.)

This little life change/life experiment has made a difference for sure. I'm walking taller and when I do walk, I feel my leg muscles engaging. That sounds so stupid, but it's true. I hadn't realized how much I was relying on my poor achy bones and tendons and whatnot to do the work. I feel my thighs and my calves and my ass putting in their fair share now. My ever-suffering skeleton was turning into the hardest working member of the team, picking up all the slack, and my muscles were letting that happen. "No, no, it's fine guys. I can take care of it. What? That popping sound? Oh, it's just the knee. I have another one. It's totally fine. Enjoy the football game. Hey, glutes, can you get you another plate of nachos?"

However, I see old friends participating in road races and I see friends registering for physical competitions like Tough Mountain Challenge and, while I definitely and wholeheartedly applaud them and admire them, I know I can't do that. But then, I never could. So, what's next?

Eating local foods has forced me to think intelligently about what I consume and it forces me to make decisions between what's easy to eat and what's right to eat. Smaller portions overall make sense for someone like me who has a metabolism that has, after a pretty good game, put its feet up and ordered a pizza. I can eat smaller portions for sure and my inner governor won't put up too much of a stink.

Otherwise, I think I need to start thinking about my next step. I'm stronger and I plan to continue on this path, but I think I want more. I have no discipline and I've never been one to work toward a physical goal like "Next year I'm running a marathon!" I just know I won't do that.

So, what's next?