the list post

I'm approaching my new vegan-ish-ism like an adventure. I know the shiny shine will wear off eventually and I'll probably slide back into greasy cheeseburgers and yummy crispy fries, but for now? It's fun. But, I'm not really known for my stick-to-itiveness (that word is actually in the dictionary).  Here are the top five positive things I've learned so far from eating a mostly non-animal diet:

1. My wallet empties faster.
2. My recycling fills more slowly.
3. My trashcan remains mostly empty.
4. My compost pile grows higher.
5. My house smells better.

All of that sounds so freaking smug, I can't even stand it. It makes me think of something I saw recently stitched onto a little throw pillow in a shop window.

"Pardon the mess. Children's memories forming."

I'm guessing the creator of that pillow is vegan. What a bunch of sanctimonious B.S. Your house is messy because you have kids and you live a life and life is messy. Get over yourself.

So, when I wax rhapsodic about going vegan(ish), I know what I sound like and, trust me, I want to punch my own self in the face. Here are some other things I'm thinking about this new food lifestyle diet whatever I'm doing for the rest of my life if I can really pull it off:

1. Nobody cares. People who talk about what they are ingesting are boring. I already talk too much about my dog; I can't pile food onto that. Thank god I don't have pictures of children to foist upon you. And, no, I'm sorry but I don't want to see a smartphone slideshow from your vacation. Post an album to Facebook like everybody else and I'll ignore it at my leisure. Weirdo.
2. It's really hard not to talk about food when I'm hanging out with friends. I love food. I love eating. Instead, I will talk about booze. Which is more fun anyway.
3. I've decided to put a cooler in my car and fill it with animal-free snacks so I'm always prepared when someone asks me whether I would like, for instance, a piece of delicious steak fresh from the grill. "No thank you. That looks delicious. I've eaten. Seriously. I'm fine. No. I don't want it. Thank you."
4. If I'm in a restaurant, I will order the most vegan-ish item I can, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I will remain vigilant but so help me god I don't want to get strident. I was at King Eider's Pub in Damariscotta and ordered the lentil cakes, delightfully crispy and deep-fried and made with asiago cheese, served atop mixed greens and walnuts. I did reluctantly ask they remove the goat cheese (or "Bri-Bri" as my friend Chicky calls it, thanks to David Cross) from the salad.
5. I have discovered I am easily annoyed by people who accuse me of being fussy because I won't eat the goat cheese on my salad. 
6. If we're out together, I really want everyone to order whatever they want without looking at me in apology. Please. I'm like a former smoker. Blow that smoke in my face. I love it. I really do. And, yes, I would love a bite of your cheeseburger with mayo. Thank you.
7. If I offer to cook you dinner at my house, you are always, always invited to say to me, "I do not want to come to your house and eat your vegan nonsense." And, I will always, always understand and meet you at a restaurant of your choice--even steakhouses serve salad. For what it's worth, I wouldn't invite you over and cook you vegan nonsense anyway; I think it's kind of rude to cook a meal for a group that suits only one person. Like serving steak at a table filled with mostly vegetarians, I wouldn't serve a low-fat, low-cal, unsalted meal to a group of omnivores.
8. I suddenly love barbecue salmon and I will allow myself to eat fish. And yogurt. Come on. I'm not a barbarian. (I think that's technically irony there. Right? Barbarians were carnivores, right? Suddenly I'm craving a little Barbarella...chomp chomp.)
9. All these beans make me sound like a trumpet. And I laugh every time. I'm averaging at least five good laughs an hour. (But, I draw the line at talking about stool.)
10. I feel great. 

Let's move on to the exercise portion of our day. I was DYING to watch the final episode of Breaking Bad, so I forced myself to remain on the elliptical for the entire episode, a 45-minute aerobic workout that I barely even noticed. I won't put any spoilers here, but it's a great episode. I'm sorry to see that show end. It really was a good one.

And that is the messiest table on the planet. I looks like a game of I Spy. Can you find glue, a lure, lip balm, unpaid medical bills, a book about house renovations, pliers, and a fishing reel?