Tuesday, October 30, 2012


As of today, I've been married to Groom for eight years. Many people have heard stories about our wedding; I don't know whether it's worth getting into it here. Let me make a quasi word cloud for you:

rainy windy burgundy warehouse COCKTAILS music curtains food costumes gold CARNIVAL smoke chocolate feathers blackness pantomime skeletons MASKS old-boats fabric halloween diamonds pirates cream-puffs DARKNESS sex

The entire affair was decadent and luxurious, brought together by one of the most talented designers I know, Richard Reitz Smith. He had the vision to transform a giant wooden waterfront warehouse into an intimate Masquerade Ball. I will never be able to repay him and his partner for their blood, sweat, stress, and skill. Sara Cox debuted a new song and King Memphis rocked the party. It was over-the-top fabulous, and to say we had a nontraditional wedding would be an understatement. These photos taken by Derek Jackson are some of my very favorites.

Plus, the Red Sox had just broken the curse, so Groom-To-Be was happy. And, I'm pretty certain there were rats scurrying about, so I was happy

What I like about being married to Groom, other than the fact that he is now and forever legally obligated to deal with this pile of crazy, is that he makes me feel like we just got married. Honestly, I don't feel like it's been that long.

me and the sibs
Just before I got married, my friend Dave--who I did not invite to my wedding and I still regret it--asked me whether I thought things would stay the same between Groom and me. I said, of course, I knew things would change.

I said that because Dave was clearly looking for that answer; I didn't really think things would change. To this day, I think about his question and to this day I appreciate that he asked it.

Everything changed; everything continues to change. We went from being a long-standing couple to being married. Coupled and married are two entirely different things.

Things settle. Things get safer. I make decisions based on what we both feel as opposed to what I feel. Before I married Groom, I would say these same things, but no. No. It's different. I can't explain it. It's just different to know he can't walk out when I'm over-the-top insane. I can't walk out when he decides to disappear.

I thought I would hate it.

I love it.

So now I have to ask--as an aside, until recently I would have written "which begs the question," but I have discovered that would be the incorrect use of that phrase thank you Jay--I have to ask, why don't we allow everyone to have this safety, this comfort, these four shoulders to bear the weight? (Thank you again Sara Cox for the origins of that phrase.)

Groom was in the hospital a couple of years ago and I could come and go as I pleased because I'm his wife. I know that would be true of any couple, married or not, but what if he were in intensive care? I took care of him when the nurses were busy--and they're always busy because they are understaffed, but that's a topic for another day, keep up the fight nurses....

Wait, I have to say. I would choose a nurse practitioner over a physician's assistant because I truly trust that nurses pay attention to the whole body. Enough. Topic for another day.

But what if Groom were in intensive care and we weren't married? I'd be SOL. Now imagine we're a gay couple and he's injured and I would have to have his family's permission to be there. That is so demoralizing.

NOW imagine his family doesn't like me. (I'm super lucky, by the way. I love Groom's family like my own and I flatter myself by hoping/thinking they like me all right themselves.)

I recognize I'm being extreme here, but not really. I love my husband. I would tear down walls for him. Because I can. When he was in the hospital, I changed the bedding; I cleaned his room; I monitored the machines; I went all Shirley MacClean when he was uncomfortable. How is it fair that just because I have ovaries and he has a penis that I am allowed to fight for him and he's allowed to fight for me? I was born hetero (please do not call me a breeder; loved the band, hate the term) so somehow that gives me special rights? How is that fair?

And here it comes: I believe in equality. If two people have found each other, are willing to stick around forever, and want the legal right to sign the scary dotted lines when necessary, those two people deserve the right to be recognized as a married couple.

Yup. You guessed it. I'm voting Yes on Question 1. 

Oh, and happy anniversary, Groom. 

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